Home. It’s never sounded so wonderful before. I don’t think I’ve ever needed it this much. My heart is beating fast right now just thinking about pulling into my driveway...I'm ready for change.

As I was sitting at my desk, sorting through papers and miscellaneous objects, and listening to the quiet, it really hit me. Just...everything. How this semester has been probably the most draining and difficult I’ve ever had, and how I’ve had to find out so much about myself, and how I feel like a different person, almost. But also how I know that no matter what, it’s all going to be alright, because Christ has made his love so so so real.

Oh how I’ve been graced with that love in so many ways. In my kind friends, in my beautiful family, in sunsets and thunderstorms, and in good books. I’ve found it in the sweet hugs of little girls, in visits to the mountains, in long runs on rainy days, in a good cry, and in the pages of my Bible.

It really is everywhere. He really is everywhere.

I was reading this story about a girl who, while standing on the boardwalk in Coney Island, met a homeless man. It was a cold day, and she asked him why he was standing outside instead of checking into a shelter…he replied, “Look at the view, young lady. Look at the view.”

As much as I complain, and worry, and let myself get upset, I have so many blessings in my life. Because of the Lord’s great love, I am not consumed. His compassions never fail.

Just look at the view.

Currently Listening Subtitulo By Josh Rouse El Otro Lado see related

Dancing is my stress relief. This whole having-the-key-to-the-studio thing is maybe one of the best things to happen this year.

I’m a music snob, as hard as I try not to be.

I sleep with my eyes open, just a little bit. They’re always really red when I wake up. I got one of those eye masks to help keep them shut, but I feel like one of those girls from “Clueless” when I wear it…you know, the really high-maintenance types. So I just opt for looking like a bloodshot-eyed drug addict all the time.

I love words. I feel like we’re so trapped by language, but it’s a beautiful thing when we can find a way to describe life by what we say.

I want to be a nurse, but I feel like my true calling is to be a stay-at-home mom.

The mountains are where my heart belongs. I just…ahh. It’s inexplicable.

I feel oddly closer to God when I’m in an airplane. It’s one of those times when I can’t fathom His love for this world and everyone in it, but one of those times when I’m okay with it not making sense.

I wish I wasn’t so scared all of the time. I think I would have some cool stories to tell if I was bolder.

This last year has taught me more about finding my identity in Christ than any other time in my life. I’m still learning.

Fall is my favorite season. It gives me something beautiful to look at during the long, otherwise dull trek down I-35.

I’m continually amazed at the ways in which God’s blessed me when I’ve simply trusted Him. Even more so when I haven’t deserved it.

I have an infatuation with airports. Sometimes I drive there just because.

I’m not nearly as cool as I make myself out to be. I doubt I’m fooling anyone anyway.

For some reason, I have absolutely no inhibitions when I’m with little kids. If all of my friends were 6-year-olds, I think I would be a pretty happy girl.

I wish I would have stuck with the piano. I can’t even remember the last time I played.

Darlene McCulley is one of the most incredible women I know. She told me before I went back to school this year that I reminded her of herself, and I almost fell out of my chair.

If it weren’t for having to be on TV, I think it would be so cool to be a meteorologist. Weather fascinates me…I still know all the types of clouds (cirrostratus, altocumulus, wow I’m a nerd…)

I need to make time to read more of everything: the Bible, textbooks, news articles, and some really good novels. Too much time of mine is wasted on Facebook.

My friends and family are truly wonderful, and severely underappreciated by me.

I wonder if this will be my last Xanga post ever. I just deleted some of the old posts from high school, and I cannot believe how much I’ve changed…it’s kind of unreal. I remember when a significant portion of life revolved around the amount of Xanga comments I got. Not that I’ve matured a whole lot, because now instead, Facebook comments tend to validate my self-worth. Isn’t that dumb? Instead of going to God for my confidence, it’s so much easier to get instant gratification by celebrating over a new message or wall-post rather than peace of heart and mind.

Such is life, and I’m constantly growing and stretching, failing miserably, and learning more about grace daily. I hope as you read this (if anyone does anymore), you’ll be okay with where you’re at right now…not regretting the past or looking anxiously to the future, but resting in the peace and grace that only Christ gives.

Currently Listening Nickel Creek By Nickel Creek Out of the Woods see related

"behold the splendor of a human heart that trusts it is loved!"
                                                      -brennan manning

so i'm reading this book. and it really hits close to home...it's just about being a girl and finding a heart that glorifies God in the way that it's supposed to. but basically, i really like it, and i wanted to put some of it in here. you can read it, or not, it's not like i'll ever know.

seriously though, check this out:

"every woman i've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. an underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. i am not enough, and i am too much at the same time. not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. but too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. the result is shame, the universal companion of women."

"a woman's struggle with her sense of worth points to something glorious she was designed to be. the great emptiness we feel points to the great place we were created for. it's true. all those legends and fairy tales of the undiscovered princess and the beauty hidden as a maid are more accurate than we though. there's a reason little girls resonate with them so."

"beauty is, without question, the most essential and misunderstood of all of God's qualities - of all feminine qualities too. we know it has caused untold pain in the lives of women. but even there something is speaking. why so much heartache over beauty? we don't ache over being geniuses, or fabulous hockey players. women ache over the issue of beauty - they ache to be beautiful, to believe they are beautiful, and they worry over keeping it if ever they can find it."

"a woman knows, down in her soul, that she longs to bring beauty to the world. this is not just culture, or the need to "get a man." this is in her heart, part of her design."

"some women have never even considered that our martha stewart perfectionism might not be a virtue. we have never considered that by living a controlling and domineering life, we are really refusing to trust our God. and it has also never dawned on us that something precious in us is lost. something the world needs very much from us."

sigh. it still amazes me just reading it again now. and i'm only halfway through.

on a lighter note, i worked out to nsync today. don't even be jealous, it was so hardcore.

and i'm really excited for prom. i know, i sound like a stereotype teenage girl, but it's my last high school dance and i'm determined to make it the best ever. even if it means making a total fool of myself. which will probably happen no matter what.

today in ap lit, i was proud to find that borrego knew what a "grill" was. yes, that's why i love english so much.

have an incredible day,

caitlin

Currently Reading Captivating : Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul By John Eldredge, Stasi Eldredge see related

well considering my infrequent posting habits, this should last me to about the end of the year.

life is...hmm. can't think of any words to describe it. i think God's really preparing me to leave next year...i find myself growing more and more ready to start over somewhere else.

i really really really hate when you think that someone's talking behind your back, and you want to say something but you don't know for sure. because they act like they like you but is it fake? ohhhhhhh who knows. i sure don't.

i want to just say whatev to people sometimes. not only because it's a cool word but because it'd be so nice to just not care. but i do...probably too much.

wow this is getting depressing.

in other news, my dad told me about this girl who did a science experiment testing the bacterial content of restaurants' ice from the drink machine compared to their toilet water. guess which one had more? yeah, sickkkkkk. i used to eat the ice after i was finished with my drink. not anymore...

coming home from school at 11:30 is so nice.

i really want to play wheel of fortune on N64. we still have it somewhere in our house, i used to be so good, coming home and playing it every day after school. geez i was such a nerdy little kid.

ha. i love them.

-caitlin

Currently Listening On a Rolling Ball By The Gabe Dixon Band see related